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Are you an Over or Under Functioner?

Do you overfunction or underfunction? I have recently become aware of this concept and it has radically influenced the way I am in my relationships. I won’t go into the definitions, here  is a psychologist who

 can say it better than me. http://www.willmeekphd.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning/

What I want to talk about is how this has shown up in my life. My mother does everything for my dad, she does all the things he can and should do for himself. After years of this dynamic having gone unchecked, he behaves like an infant and she behaves like an exhausted mother who can’t get any respite from a demanding child. When I observe this dynamic I see how unhealthy it is, there is so much resentment on both sides. This is not a happy situation.

Recently my partner pointed out that she didn’t feel ‘part of’ because I do everything. I really felt that I was doing her a favour and by removing all responsibilities from her feet. I do all the school runs (after all she’s my daughter) I walk the dog and let him out when he’s barking at 5.30 am (after all he’s my dog) I take care of the housework, washing, cars and finances. (After all I know what I’m doing and I do it so well.) I pick up after my partner, my kid and anyone else who needs it for that matter because it’s just easier if I do it. This isn’t just in my home life, I have three volunteer positions. I take on way more than my share and I do it all. Are you beginning to see where I am going with this? That’s right I am over functioning. I am doing way to much and it’s leaving me drained, resentful and under appreciated. My partner is feeling useless, she has to really fight me to get some of the responsibilities back and I just couldn’t see it. We talked about this at length and we have decided that we will even out the responsibilities. I am lucky that my partner wants to work with me on this. Change is not easy the first step is always awareness. I know I will find it hard not to be in the driving seat all the time and I will have to allow some things to go undone while I allow someone else to do things a little differently. I’m sure my partner will have her own struggles adjusting too. Note to self “I should only be doing 100% of my 50% in relationship, no more no less.” I hope this blog has been useful, it’s always good to admit I’m only human and I’m doing the best I can. So wish me luck as I attempt to ‘do less.’

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